


30 days of Fenders

by NeysaG



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-09 14:18:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 8,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1986159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeysaG/pseuds/NeysaG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is seems to be an order to these but that wasn't intentional. I changed the name since it ended up completely different on how I thought it would. I'm happy with it though so it's all good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning

Anders awoke to the feeling of something laying across his chest. Cracking his eyes he got a glimpse of white and he remembered. He remembered being invited to Fenris' for dinner and having a drink, only one but he was happy Justice let him have that. Remembered it getting late and Fenris blushing as he offered to let Anders stay the night. There was no sex. There didn't need to be at least not yet. Fenris and him were taking things slow. They each had many issues to work past and this was a step in the right direction. Pressing a kiss onto Fenris' head he snuggled closer and drifted back to sleep. Anders knew this was just the beginning and there were so many ways this could all go wrong. But he also knew he would do anything to make sure this lasted.


	2. Accusation

"I should have known better than to trust you!"

Fenris was pacing, almost empty wine bottle clutched in his fist. It had been sometime since Fenris has been this mad at Anders. And Anders had no clue what he had done.

"What did I do? Fenris, talk to me please." Anders was not above begging.

"Hawke said... you... and Hawke... arg."

"Me and Hawke what? Fenris please just sit and talk to me. I really want to know what you are accusing me of." Anders was at a loss. Did Fenris think he was sleeping with Hawke? How could he think Anders would want anyone but him?

Fenris threw the bottle at the wall and watched it shatter but it did nothing to stop the pain he was feeling. When he finally spoke it was barely above a whisper.  
"You're moving in with Hawke. He told us at the Hanged Man."

Anders sighed and came up behind his lover circling his arms around the smaller elf. Fenris tensed but other wise didn't move.  
"Hawke offered to let me stay at his place instead of the clinic because it was safer and the back cellar entrance is close by. He offered as a friend only." Fenris softened slightly at these words but still refused to lean into Anders embrace. "I thanked him for the offer but told him no. I'm not interested in moving in with Hawke. As a friend or otherwise. I was kind of hoping that a certain elf might let me stay at his place. But I didn't want to push him into something he wasn't ready for."

Fenris turned around in Anders arms and finally slumped into the embrace. His forehead resting on Anders chest made his words muffled and hard to hear. "I was going to ask you but then Hawke..."

Anders tilted Fenris' face up and kissed him softly on the lips. "I would love to move in with you."

The two stood for a while longer before Anders had to speak. He never could stay silent for long. "You do know we won't be able to keep us a secret for much longer once I start living here?"

"Then Hawke will know to leave my mage alone." Fenris' words went straight to Anders heart and there was no stopping the smile on his face.


	3. Restless

Anders woke up early. He was still wrapped around Fenris and the sun wasn't even fully up yet. He wanted nothing more than to lay back down and go back to sleep. He knew however it wasn't going to happen. He had been putting off working on his manifesto or doing anything with the mage underground to spend more time with Fenris and Justice was getting restless. He needed to do something to appease the spirit so he wouldn't harp on him about his relationship with the elf. That was one thing on which him and Justice would never agree. Slowly extracting himself from Fenris he dressed quietly and quickly deciding to go to the clinic early. He would spend the time writing before the first patients showed up. He could feel Justice's pleasure at this idea. Anders let himself out slipping into the alleys and headed off to work.


	4. Snowflake

Hawke's business on Sundermount took longer than they anticipated so their fearless leader thought it best if they find a place to camp instead of trying to find their way in the dark. Luckily they found an empty cave to stay in as it was getting cold and it looked like it was about to rain. Hawke and Varric were huddled around the fire. Which is where Fenris wanted to be except that Anders had other ideas. Currently the mage was standing in the open a short distance away from the cave opening and Fenris was going to make sure no one decided to ambush Anders. Even if Anders refused to take his safety seriously. Fenris watched as Anders slowly tilted his head back and opened his mouth.

"Mage, what are you doing?"

"Catching snowflakes on my tongue. Come try it." As Anders spoke the first few flakes fell from the sky. It wouldn't stick or last. It was still early in the season for that.

Fenris huffed at the suggestion. "Why would I wish to be colder than I already am?" 

Fenris watched as Anders turned and smiled at him. It was the smile he knew was reserved just for him. He had only seen it a handful of times but it never failed to bring a strange warmth to his body. Anders approached wrapped his arms around Fenris and spoke close to his ear, "To bad we aren't alone because I have a few ideas of how to warm you up."

Fenris ears flushed a bright red and he most certainly didn't hear snickering or lewd comments behind him. It was safer for his friends that way.


	5. Haze

Anders remembered the haze that covered the city after the fight with the Qunari. Smoke filled the sky as ash slowly fell upon the buildings and streets turning the whole city gray. That is how his head felt right now. Every thought sluggish and painful. It sounded as if someone was talking but they were to far away for him to hear what was being said. Slowly he became aware of a pair of green eyes watching him. He thought they were green and eyes. He wasn't really sure what was going on right now to be honest. He tried to move but was pushed back down and he didn't have the strength to do anything about it. The fog was slowly fading and he could see Fenris looking back at him. AH HA he was right they were green eyes. 

"Begone demon." Anders voice was sore and labored, "It's like you aren't even trying. You can't tempt me with something I already have."

He heard snickering but couldn't understand what was so funny.

"Phaugh! I am no demon." Fenris stood up and started pacing but was quickly back at the healers side when he heard a pained groan when once again Anders attempted to sit up.

"What were you thinking? I can tell you weren't. Did you forget you were a mage not a warrior?" Fenris' voice dropped to a whisper "You could have been killed."

The healing potion was helping and Anders remembered rushing at the rogue that had gotten a lucky hit on Fenris. He had been low on mana and there was no time to down a lyrium potion so he rushed the rogue instead. Thinking to use his staff to protect the elf while he took a health potion. It had gone all wrong and Anders ended up stabbed himself. He knew better but Fenris had been hurt. What else could he have done?

"I'm sorry love."

More snickering and an awwwww. Both men flushed bright red. Clearing his throat Anders finished healing himself. And they continued on their way. This wasn't the end of the discussion. He could tell Fenris was still mad at him but it was better left til they returned home. When they wouldn't be giving Isabela more ammunition for her friend fiction.


	6. Flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't make up the Twin Flame thing but I liked it so there it is

Normally Fenris would tune out anything that came out of the blood mage's mouth. He thought her foolish and certainly wasn't interested in Dalish beliefs. He never considered himself one of The People. But when she started going on about twin flames he admitted, to himself, that he was interested. So for the first time since they met he payed attention to everything she had to say.

"We were created from one source, that was split into smaller units down to two souls to learn to experience duality. They would reincarnate over lifetimes with this longing for each other, often meeting until, they would reunite and then leave this physical plane as one. Oooh that's pretty." Merrill started cooing over some flowers she found. Fenris wanted to tell her to keep talking but there was no way he was going to say anything. Luckily Hawke stepped in.

"So they are like soul mates? "

"Hmmm what? Oh no they aren't soul mates. Soul mates are more harmonious; Twin flames go through a lot of cleansing and purging, and with true Twin Flames the connection is so intense that it causes fear and many twin flames initially run from the experience. There's some elfroot do you think we should get it for Anders? I saw a kitten yesterday..." Fenris stopped paying attention again.

Intense would certainly apply to his relationship with the healer. And the fear. It still scared him. He never would have dreamed he would have feelings for a mage, an abomination. But he did. He didn't know if he would call it love. He knew nothing about love. Fenris wondered what Anders would think of this information. That was something he would have to finish contemplating later as his attention was needed on the group of raiders in front of them.


	7. Formal

Why did he ever agree to let Hawke talk him into this. He didn't fit in with the nobles of Kirkwall and he was tired of being stared at. He also wished he didn't let Hawke dress him, he felt naked without his spirit armor. But they weren't here to kill anyone. So Hawke claimed. Fenris was going to kill Anders if he didn't get here soon. His mage promised he wouldn't make him suffer through this alone. But as usual he was late.

"Smile Fenris. You're scaring the guests." If anything that just made Fenris scowl even more.

Hawke had been hanging out by his side. Fenris knew it was because the nobles would be to scared to come talk to Hawke with him near by. But he didn't care. He had no desire to talk to anyone here.

"Finally, maybe he can get you to smile." Fenris turned to the direction Hawke was indicating. Instead of his standard robes Anders was in a dark blue tunic and black leggings. Fenris couldn't take his eyes off the mage as he made his way to where Fenris was waiting.

"Breathe Fenris," Hawke chuckled next to him. "Glad you could make it Anders. I have to mingle now so I will leave Fenris in your capable hands." Hawke doubt either man took note of him leaving.

 

"You're late and we are leaving."

 

Anders squawked as Fenris took hold of his wrist and started dragging him to the door.

 

"But I just got here. Can't I eat something first?"

 

"You should have thought of that, Anders, before you came here dressed like that. I will not stand here while these people ogle you."

 

Anders let Fenris drag him out of the party. He just hoped they had some food left over at the house. He was hungry.


	8. Companion

Anders is laying on the bed snuggling with a small black and white cat. Fenris had found the thing in his wine cellar a couple weeks back. He had been tempted to toss it back outside but he also knew how much Anders really wanted another cat. The look on Anders face had been worth the cat scratches. Now he was starting to regret it. The thing slept on their bed and meowed at strange hours of the night. Anders took it everywhere with him. So there was no escape from the fur ball.

Fenris took a pull on his wine bottle as he watched Anders from his favorite chair. "Why do you come here?"

The question surprised Anders and he looked at Fenris. He didn't look mad. He sort of looked amused but why would he ask him that? "Well you see I have this possessive sod of a boyfriend that I happen to love that invited me to live with him in his death trap of a mansion. I of course had to say yes. I mean how else would I get to spend time with him. I knew he wouldn't have moved into the clinic with me."

"Hmmph" Fenris mouth turned up just a little at the corner. "You sure its not because of that furry companion of yours?"

Anders loved it when Fenris was in a playful mood. "That's just icing on the cake love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Anders deserves a cat


	9. Move

"Move"

"No"

"Mage move, now"

Anders stood in front of the doorway to their room blocking Fenris from leaving. "I'm going to kill them." Fenris glared at Anders.

"See that is why I refuse to move. You can't kill them."

"They should have thought that before writing friend fiction about us." As Fenris seethed about Isabela's and Varric's newest work Anders slightly regretted teaching Fenris how to read. "Move or I will move you."

Anders crossed him arms and got a thoughtful look on his face. "Nope I don't like that plan. Unless its to the bed. And you are with me. And we are naked, though that isn't a requirement but I do prefer naked."

There was very little talking after that.


	10. Silver

Anders was sitting on the stairs leading to their room when Fenris returned home. Anders had something dangling from his hands and was watching it spin slowly back and forth.

Fenris was curious what held the mages attention so thoroughly "What is that?"

"It's shiny and subversive. Hawke gave it to me." Anders glanced at Fenris but otherwise didn't move. 

Fenris' eyes went wide when he was close enough to see what it was Anders held. "That's a Tevinter Chantry Amulet. That will not stay in this house. If you.."

"Do you think its silver?" Anders question startled Fenris out of his rant. For a moment he just stared at the other man.

"What does that have to do with anything?" It came out as a snarl.

"If I melt it down I can do something useful with it. I just wasn't sure what yet. What do you think?" Anders finally lowered the amulet and looked fully at Fenris. Watching him to see what he would say. He knew it a risk to bring the amulet home but didn't want Fenris to think he was hiding it from him in case Hawke ever brought it up.

"I think... that... you could use it to decorate your staff."

"Good idea love. Then Hawke's feelings won't be hurt when he finds out I'm not wearing it."

Anders put the amulet in his pocket and the two men entered their room in search of some food and wine.


	11. Prepared

Anders was working late bent over his desk writing in his manifesto when the knock came. It was urgent and coded. Templars were coming. Anders gathered up his manifesto and his spell books and headed to his room. Pushing the cot back he lifted up the floorboard and shoved the stuff inside. Once the worst of the incriminating evidence was hidden and the cot was back in place he grabbed a small pack. It contained some essentials for times just like this. Justice wished to stay and fight but he knew it was a bad idea. They would cast a silence before they even opened the door and he would be screwed then. So no staying, hiding was the better choice. He knew even with Hawkes and Varrics protection there would be raids from time to time. But he was prepared. As he slipped out a secret passage in the back of the clinic he wondered if he would be able to get a message to Fenris. He didn't want the elf to worry when he didn't show up. He would have liked to go in person but he couldn't risk being seen around Hightown. No it was best if he stayed in the tunnels. Maybe he would get lucky and they wouldn't break the cots this time. They weren't all that sturdy in the first place.


	12. Knowledge

Knowledge was a heady thing. And Fenris loved it. Once Anders taught him how to read he read everything he could get his hands on. Except for Anders books on magic. Those he could do without. He loved history and was grateful when Hawke brought him the book about Shartan. Sebastian let him borrow books from the Chantry. Fenris could tell Anders didn't care much for him hanging out with Sebastian but he never said anything about it. Tonight Fenris was out of things to read. It was to late to go to the Chantry. He was sure they would let him into Hawkes library even though Hawke wasn't home at the moment but he didn't want to disturb Bodahn or Orana. So he went searching through Anders things. Surely the mage had something besides books on herbs or anatomy. He found one of Anders journals and decided to flip through it. If it was personal stuff he wouldn't read it. He didn't want to pry. But this was, well he wasn't sure what this was. It looked like poetry. Bad poetry. Laughing he took the journal back to his favorite chair. Knowledge was definitely a heady thing and sometimes it even provided him with ammo for later teasing.


	13. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follow up to knowledge. I found the poem online entitled My Pickle © 1995 by Jon Glass

It was late and Anders was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than a bath and some cuddle time with Fenris. The clinic was busier than normal and while Justice wasn't happy with Anders for not spending time on his manifesto Anders knew he was to tired to get anything done. Fenris was in his usual spot reading. The book looked familiar but Anders tired brain couldn't place why. "Hey love. I'm surprised you are still up."

Fenris glanced up from his book. "I found a new book to read. It's rather fascinating." Fenris was smirking. "I think you would like this. Want me to read it to you?"

"Sure if you would like to. Can I get in a bath first?"

"Of course. Take your time."

Anders should have known something was up. Fenris was being way to nice. Not that he was mean to Anders anymore. Not at this point in their relationship but something was off. If only he could figure out what it was. Anders bathed, dressed in his sleep pants, and returned to their room to find Fenris had moved to the the bed. He was leaning up against the headboard. When he saw Anders enter he patted the spot next to him and Anders climbed up and laid his head on Fenris' legs. He was comfortable and half dozing when Fenris began to read.

"...may my pickle stroll about hungry  
and fearless and thirsty and supple"  
and even if it's sunday may it be wrong  
for whenever gherkins are green they are not young"

Anders froze. No it can't be.

"and may my sweet and sour do nothing usefully  
and love yourself so more than pickle-juicey  
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail  
pulling all the sky over him with one bite."

"Uhh Fenris where did you get that book?"

"You don't recognize it?"

"No of course not. I mean why would I. It's not mine after all. Why would I have such a thing. I didn't write it after all. You must have gotten it from some one else." Anders knew he was babbling but he couldn't help it. He thought he hidden it away. Anders knew it was bad, horrible, terrible poetry. He only wrote it to clear his head. He never wanted some one to read it.

"You may deny all you wish Anders but I can tell your hand writing." 

Anders groaned and hid his face in the blankets. He heard Fenris chuckle as the Elf settled himself around him. "Should I be worried about this love of pickles you have?"

Anders groaned again and peeked over at Fenris. "I am never going to live this down am I?"

"No."

Anders thought Fenris was cruel cruel Elf.


	14. Wind

Anders stood at the edge of the cliff over looking the across the Waking Sea. The sun was still low and the sky was bathed in the golden hues of its rising. Spring still hasn't given way to Summer and there was a chill to the morning air. Anders closed his eyes and let the sun wash over his face. A brisk wind blew across him causing goosebumps to spread across his skin. An unguarded smile was upon his lips. And there he stood. Breathing in the fresh air. There were to few moments such as these. To few moments where Anders could just be Anders. Not Anders the healer, the Grey Warden, an apostate, an abomination. To few moments when Anders could just be at peace. Another cold wind blew across the cliff reminding him briefly of the Anderfels. But just as the wind didn't linger luckily neither did the memory. Anders heard Fenris behind him though the elf didn't join him on the edge. Anders stood and watched the suns approach a second more before turning back to the rest of the party. Soon enough there would be bandits or slavers to fight bringing Anders back to the harshness of reality but until then he was at peace. And for now that was enough.


	15. Order

"I'd like to order some of that."

Fenris bristled. That was the fifth, FIFTH, comment he over heard from a patron. All of them about his mage. That last one probably the tamest of the bunch. He had come with Anders to The Blooming Rose so Anders could drop off the weekly supply of potions he sells to Madam Lusine. Fenris had been hoping that it would be done quickly and they could spend the rest of the day together. But it had taken longer because Anders had found out that one of the girls was pregnant. Now he was talking to some of the other whores to see if they needed any healing done. As this errand dragged on and the more people who tried to hire Anders as he watched the worse his mood got. If he had to listen to one more lewd remark about the healer Fenris wouldn't be held accountable for his actions. 

Fenris watched as another patron headed toward Anders and he had enough. Something had to be done so that these people understood just who Anders belonged to. With a feral grin he stalked over to the mage cutting off the pursuit of the latest would be suitor. He grabbed Anders and spun him around then proceeded to kiss the void out of his man. When Anders made to back up Fenris pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. Not letting go until Anders was pliant under his ministrations. When Fenris pulled back a small moan escaped Anders and Fenris smirked.

"It's time to leave." There were no complaints from the mage as Fenris pulled him out of the brothel. And Fenris hoped that got his point across. Though something else would need to be done to ensure people knew this man was taken. After all Fenris couldn't follow him around all hours of the day.


	16. Thanks

Anders entered their room and noticed how warm it was. It was winter time and the fireplace could never fully ward off the chill. It was one of the things Anders hated about Fenris' place. But it was better than Darktown so he wasn't about to complain. Anders hated being cold though so he usually spent most of the time huddled under his coat or in the blankets. Being cold reminded him to much of the Anderfels. Anders glanced around the room trying to figure out how Fenris managed to get it so warm in here. When his eyes fell to the window he saw something strange. There were thick curtains covering the window. Anders went closer and opened the curtains slightly and smiled. Where normally there were boards covering the broken window now sat new glass. Turning to face the elf Andres noticed Fenris was most definitely not watching him. Anders went to sit down pausing only to kiss Fenris on the cheek and whisper a quiet thanks. Saying more would only embarrass Fenris and Anders knew his silence would be thanks enough.


	17. Look

"Anders look."

Anders didn't stop scowling at his cards. "If you need more cream for your rash come by the clinic tomorrow. I really don't need to see it again." He was sure Isabela was just trying to distract him. Not that was necessary. He was horrible at wicked grace whether he paid attention or not.

"Not that sweet thing, though you are always welcome to take a peek whenever you wish. I meant over there." Anders finally looked up to see what Isabela was pointing at.

Lady Snowpaws was currently sitting on top of Varrics bed curled around a small kitten. "Maker where did that cat come from?" Anders cards were left forgotten on the table and he made his way over to the cats. Lady complained a little at being disturbed but Anders wanted to check out the newest feline. He reminded Anders of Pounce, they had similar coloring, and other than needing to be fed he was healthy. Anders put the kitten back down and Lady once again curled protectively around him.

Anders returned to the table and was dealt back in the next hand. Anders was paying more attention to the cats than the game though. And eventually just stopped playing altogether. Fenris sighed, "No, we don't need another cat." 

"But it's not my cat. He belongs to Lady."

"You are being even more ridiculous than you usually are. A cat doesn't own a cat." 

"Tell that to her. Look." Fenris turned to see what Anders was referring to. Lady left the bed long enough to grab some food from a near by tray that Nora had yet to retrieve and was now waking up the kitten so he could eat. She then returned back to her spot and just looked at Fenris. As if daring him to say something. Fenris sighed again. "And do you plan on carrying both cats with you where ever you go? Shall we just get you a large backpack so we can see how many cats you can bring with you into a battle?"

Anders watched the felines for a moment more before responding. "What if I promise to leave them both home unless we are coming here for cards? They could keep each other company so I won't feel so bad leaving them behind."

Fenris knew he would regret it but there was little he could refuse Anders. "Fine, but he stays out of my chair."

Anders kissed him quickly on the cheek before returning his attention to the card game. He would be sure to thank his prickly elf properly when they returned home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because why not another cat.


	18. Summer

Summers in Kirkwall were mild compared to the summers in Minrathous. To hear Anders complain one would think that they were living on the sun. Perhaps if Anders didn't wear that ridiculous coat all the time he might have a better time of it. The complaining started soon after spring gave way to summer and Fenris often wished the mage would find something else to talk about. He had heard all the complaints of Anders by the second week and it drove him nuts. That was until the complaining stopped. At first Fenris was glad but as Anders grew quieter he also grew more distant. When he heard Anders ask for Hawkes help collecting ingredients for a potion to separate him and Justice Fenris knew it for the lie it was. He was losing the mage to the demon and he didn't know what to do to change it. He didn't know what to do to stop it. He could have told Hawke not to fall for the lies but Fenris feared it would have just pushed Anders farther away. Fenris tried to remind Anders of what they had, tried to remind him of his pets that needed him but it only resulted in arguments. Arguments that rivaled the ones of old. So Fenris stopped, stopped questioning, stopped pushing, stopped trying to hold him back. Though he never stopped loving, no never that. Fenris knew it wouldn't be enough but it was all he had to offer.


	19. Transformation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sister piece to summer

Anders transformation was most obvious in his change of coat. His old coat was worn and ratty, full of holes and hasty patch jobs. The pleasing blues and browns faded with time and stains. His renegade coat, as Varric called it, though similar in style was all black and most notably new. Never has Fenris known Anders to spend money on himself unless out of absolute necessity. Not that he didn't need a new coat but the old Anders would have balked at the idea of spending so much coin on himself knowing that the money could be used to feed the poor and down trodden of Darktown.

Anders other changes were more subtle. At least to anyone who wasn't Fenris. But then the others never really got to see Anders as truly himself. They never got to see him relax. Fenris felt Anders' absences more keenly as he was the one who spent the most time with the man. Anders was more driven toward his cause and a lot more tired. The bags under his eyes darker and what little weight he managed to gain while living with Fenris was once again lost. Anders still healed the poor every day but Fenris had no clue how he spent his nights. Very rarely did Anders come home anymore and if he did he was always gone again before Fenris woke in the morning. His presence marked only by the rumpled blankets on his side of the bed or the rare occasions when Anders would grab hold of Fenris as he slept.

It has been a few weeks since Anders has been home. Fenris only knew he still lived because he made a point of venturing into the clinic every day to check on him. Anders always smiled when he saw Fenris though it no longer reached his eyes. Always told the elf he loved him. Always apologized for being out so late. Always promised to come home soon. And Fenris always told Anders he understood. Always told him he would see him tonight. And Fenris always fell for the lies. Because to not do so would mean admitting that Anders was lost to him. To do so would be admitting defeat. Admitting he had no clue how to save the man he loved. So what choice did he have but to hold onto what little hope he had left. Because Fenris no longer knew how to live without him.


	20. Tremble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after Transformation

"He wants to die. Kill him and be done with it." Fenris wondered if Hawke noticed the tremble in his voice. He tried to mask it behind the pain, behind the ache. He didn't want Anders to die. Far from it. But it wasn't his choice. Having failed to stop Anders meant he couldn't be trusted to look at this objectively. It was in Hawkes hands now and he had to trust Hawke would do the right thing. Fenris payed little attention to what the others were doing. Keeping his eyes fully on Anders. So he almost missed Sebastian threat. If Hawke was going to let Anders live there was no way Fenris would let Sebastian near him. But that was a worry for later. They had mages to save. Everything else had to wait.

The fight was long and brutal. First Orsino using blood magic then Meredith turning on them all. But it was over and Knight Captain Cullen had let them leave. So they boarded Isabela's ship, except for Varric and Aveline who stayed behind to help clean up. Anders had hidden himself away below deck. Fenris wanted to demand answers from the mage but he had no desire to listen to a diatribe on mage rights so he just avoided him instead. They sailed a week before Isabela needed to know where to drop Anders off. Fenris thought Isabela brought it up to him to force him and Anders to talk. It was the first time they spoke to each other. Or rather he yelled and Anders let him.

Fenris tried to leave, tried to walk away. He made it a few steps away and froze. He was weak. He knew that. Fenris turned and yanked Anders against him. When Anders tried to take a step back Fenris just held on harder. He couldn't explain his reasoning so he just held on. Eventually Anders slumped in Fenris' hold. Fenris could feel him shaking as tears fell. He didn't know how long they sat there in the bowels of the ship. When they finally pulled apart nothing had changed. Fenris was still mad. They still needed to decide where to go, what to do. Anders had to make what reparations he could. The only thing Fenris knew was that whatever came he would face it at Anders side.


	21. Sunset

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more from tremble

Anders and Fenris stood on the deck watching the sunset. It has been a couple of days since their fight. Fenris' anger was abating. He was slowly forgiving Anders and Anders was doing everything in his power to help that along. They started speaking late at night before bed. It has been hard but it had to be done. Before the 'incident' they had spent a lot of time avoiding the big issues. They were most comfortable in their silences after all. Fenris thought that if they had been more open with each other he might have been able to stop Anders. Though Anders didn't know if he believed that he liked this open relationship better. He liked that they were working through their differences instead of just ignoring or masking them. Anders put an arm around Fenris' shoulders and Fenris leaned into the embrace. As the sun finally sank behind the horizon they went in search of Captain Isabela.

It was past time to see if Anders and Justice could be separated. And on that vein they finally decided to head to Llomeryn. Where its markets are notorious and it is said that "any man can gain his heart's desire - for the right price." It was a risky venture of course. Anders figured they didn't have much choice. There was no way they would go to the Imperium even with Danarius dead. Even if they could find anything useful that didn't involve blood magic they couldn't risk it. If Llomeryn was a bust they would head farther north to Rivain. The local hedge witches conversed with spirits and even allowed themselves to be possessed. There was a good chance they would know how to remove a spirit that has hung around to long. Fenris didn't want Anders to get to close to the Qunari so they would stick to smaller villages in the south. After that maybe back to Fereldan. Anders had heard of Avernus at Solders Peak and thought there might be some useful tomes there. Though if they involved blood magic or not he doesn't know.

Anders had tried to maintain he and Justice were to far entwined but Fenris just pointed out Justice wasn't always in control and Anders could tell when Justice disapproved of his actions. So there was hope. Anders didn't really trust his judgement anymore so if Fenris said there was a chance he had to believe him. They were still healing and it would be a while yet before Fenris trusted him completely. Fenris made Anders promise to tell him everything no matter how small a thing it might seem. And Anders took delight in telling Fenris every inane thing that came to his mind. Anders might feel bad for annoying the elf but Fenris liked to shut him up. Usually with lips and tongue and sometimes more depending on how alone they were. It didn't erase any of Anders guilt or erase what he did but it helped him live. Fenris had made it plainly clear to him that while he lived he would work toward trying to atone for his sins. Anders had to face the consequences of his actions. He refused to run from this. And if he ever faltered Fenris would be there to set him straight again.


	22. Mad

Anders wasn't in the best of moods to begin with and tripping over that rock didn't help. Nor did the laughing from Fenris. Anders pushed himself into a sitting position and glared at Fenris. "Stop that. You don't get to laugh." That seemed to just amuse the elf more.

"If something is funny why am I not allowed to laugh?" The smirk coming from Fenris was not helping Anders mood at all.

"Because I'm mad. You don't get to laugh if I'm mad."

"Would you not be laughing if I had tripped?"

"NO! That's not funny. What if you gotten hurt? What if you broke your ankle or your wrist or... or... your nose?" 

Fenris eyebrow rose a little at this statement. "My nose?"

"It could happen." Anders tried to stay petulant but the ridiculousness of his statement sunk in and he started giggling. Fenris helped Anders off the ground and they continued on their way. It felt good to laugh.


	23. thousand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poem mentioned is A Thousand Kisses Deep by Leonard Cohen

Fenris entered the room and shut the door behind him. He barely had time to set his sword aside before he was caught up in Anders arms. The mage immediately started pressing soft kisses all over his Face. Eyes, cheeks, chin, ears, neck, nothing was left untouched. Fenris was far from objecting but was certainly curious about what had gotten into Anders. Anders voice was soft as he spoke all the while still raining kisses upon Fenris.

And now you are the Angel Death  
And now the Paraclete;  
*kiss*  
And now you are the Savior's Breath  
And now the Belsen heap.  
*kiss*  
No turning from the threat of love,  
No transcendental leap -  
*kiss*  
As witnessed here in time and blood  
A thousand kisses deep.

With the end of the poem Anders kissed Fenris on the mouth. It started out as chaste as the other kisses but didn't stay that way for long. When the need for air arose they parted, resting their foreheads together.

Fenris waited until his breath slowed enough to speak. "What are you about mage?"

"I just wanted to say thank you. For taking care of me, for putting up with me... for staying, for... for everything." Anders smile was open and his eyes shined with the love he felt. Fenris pressed a soft kiss upon Anders lips. Then he pushed Anders backwards until his legs hit the bed and they both fell upon it. Fenris had an idea on how he wanted to say your welcome.


	24. Outside

On the outside Anders was calm. Collected. As if he had no cares in the world. Unless you looked closer. Then you would see his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. His hands were clenched a little to tight. His laugh a little to forced. He wanted to pretend he was fine. He didn't want Fenris to know he was falling apart. He tried to tell himself there would be little chance of Fenris leaving him now. Not after sticking by his side with all the other crap he has pulled over the years. But he didn't want to worry Fenris. Because on the inside Anders was a mess. On the inside it was to quiet, to lonely. Anders knew Justice was no longer the spirit he called friend. Hasn't been for a long time. But they had been one for so long and now that he is gone Anders had no clue how to behave. He didn't know who he was anymore. How could Anders explain that to Fenris? How could he be sure Fenris would continue to love him? Anders was glad the Rivain seers were able to help. Of course he was. But on the inside Anders was frightened. So what could he do but pretend nothing was wrong on the outside.


	25. Winter

"It snowed last night." Fenris was looking out the window of their small cabin. They had made it to Gwaren before winter full set in and found an abandoned cabin about a day trip away. Neither of them wished to travel in the snow and decided it was best to stay put til spring. 

"It always snows in winter." Fenris raised an eyebrow at Anders statement but other wise didn't move. Anders has been moody lately. Fenris was sure he knew why but had hoped Anders would have talked to him about it by now.

"Do you want to go outside?" That got Anders attention. If Fenris was offering to go into the cold because he liked it he knew something was amiss. Fenris hated being cold. Hated wearing shoes to keep his toes from getting frostbite even more. "Why do you want to go outside? You hate being cold."

"But you do not." Fenris turned around to face Anders. He had waited the entire trip aboard the ship for Anders to bring up what was wrong. Fenris was done waiting.

"You have not been yourself since that day in Rivain." There was no need to mention which day they were discussing. "I had hoped you would speak to me about it."

"Fenris, I..." Anders slumped down the floor. He wasn't sure what to say.

Fenris joined Anders and pulled the mage into his arms. "I knew you would be different once he was gone and I have seen you try to force yourself to be that same man. But you can not be. Just like you can not be the same Anders you were before Justice." Anders gripped the front of Fenris' tightly as if he was afraid Fenris would get up and leave him. "Meeting you has been the best thing that has happened to me. I will not leave you mage."

Anders let a breath he hadn't know he was holding. He relaxed a little but neither male let go. Anders was silent for a long while but eventually they were able to speak of Anders fears and worries. It felt good to unburden himself and for the first time in weeks Anders was able to go to sleep and feel at peace.


	26. Emerald

They had gone on a supply run a few days before their anniversary. They had little enough coin for the basics but something had caught Fenris' eye. So he had splurged. He waited until Anders was distracted haggling over the cost of some elfroot then snuck back to the jewelry merchant and purchased a single gold hoop. It was slightly smaller and wider than how Anders described his old earring but Fenris hoped he wouldn't mind to much. Because this earring also contained a single emerald set into the face of it. He recalled Anders telling him once his eyes were the color of emeralds. For such a small item it weighed heavily in his pocket. He had never given Anders a gift before. On the day of their anniversary Fenris thrust the ring into Anders hand. At first he was afraid he had erred when the tears fell but his fear was short lived. Anders wasted no time in inserting the earring and ensuring him they were happy tears.


	27. Letters

Anders was in the kitchen making dinner when Fenris returned from his trip to town. Winter was starting to give way to spring and they would be moving on soon. They were slowly preparing for that day without making it obvious they would be leaving soon. No sense on giving any enemies an easy time tracking them. It would be dangerous to travel but more so to stay in one spot. War was looming. But both men were used to living on the run. Kirkwall was a fluke. A safe place to hide for a while. Even if Anders hadn't started the war they knew that it wouldn't have been long before Meredith had snapped and they would have had to run anyways.

"Varric sent us some letters." Anders glanced back and noticed the papers Fenris held. "Besides Varric's there is one from Hawke and one from Nathaniel Howe."

"What do Varric and Hawke have to say?" It was pretty obvious Anders was going to pretend not to have heard about the letter from a fellow warden. So of course that is the letter Fenris read first.

"Nathaniel has heard about what happened in Kirkwall and is offering protection."

"Wardens have to remain neutral."

"None the less. I think we should consider it."

Anders spun around to stare at Fenris. "Why would we do that? I can't go back. You know why. You know what I did, why I left. Once they find out.... Maker Fenris do you want to see me hung?"

Fenris stood a moment watching Anders try to control his breathing. It wasn't hard to understand why Anders would be scared but if they were willing to harbor them after finding out about Kirkwall... What happened the day Anders merged with Justice paled in comparison.

"Do you trust this Howe? Did you consider him a friend?"

Anders didn't even have to think about it. No matter what his father had done Nate was honorable. "Yes to both those questions. Why?"

"Then we will write him through Varric. We will tell them what happened and if they are still willing to offer aid then we will go."

Anders returned his attention to dinner but said nothing. Fenris took the time to read what Varric and Hawke had to say. When they sat down to eat Anders spoke. "Fine. But make sure he knows I won't go without you and you aren't joining. And I want a new cat." Fenris shook his head at his mage. Some things never change.


	28. promise

Anders and Fenris were huddled together under their furs. Spring was just starting so nights were still pretty cold. Fenris missed the cabin already. Sleep had almost claimed him when he heard Anders speak.

"Promise me something." Anders spoke barely above a whisper. Fenris might not have heard him at all if not for his elven hearing. "When my calling comes... don't come with me."

Fenris wasn't sure what prompted this thought. Perhaps Anders had been thinking about it since the letter from the Wardens. But Fenris didn't need to think about his answer before responding. "I can not promise that. I have already promised to be by your side until the end."

Anders sighed and snuggled closer. "I don't want you throwing your life away. But I can't say I'm not happy that I won't have to face it alone."

"Stop being contrary mage and get some sleep." Anders just laughed. "I'll try but I make no promises."


	29. Simple

Nate was trying to stay calm but it wasn't easy. "I don't see what the problem is Anders."

"You want me to agree to be locked up. What's so hard about that to understand?" Anders paced back and forth across the clinic. If such a sorry space could be considered as such. Anders would have never let it have gotten this bad. It was disorganized and cluttered. If Anders wasn't so agitated he would probably be cleaning right now. But he was to pissed off and was regretting agreeing to return to Vigils Keep.

"We aren't locking you up Anders." Nate sighed and tried again. "Let me make it as simple as possible. You still get to go outside anytime you want, you just can't leave past the walls of the keep. It's for your own safety."

"Mage stop being difficult. Nate, Anders accepts your terms." Nate was glad to see Fenris. Maybe he could get Anders to see reason. Fenris turned back to his lover. "A package just arrived from Varric."

Fenris accepting for him pissed Anders off even more. "Don't tell him that. You can't accept for me!"

"You will accept because it is better than being on the run. You get a warm bed, all the food you can eat, and once you see what is in the package I know you will not want to leave again." Now Anders was curious. He couldn't think of anything Varric would send him to make him want to stay at the keep. Anders was torn, he didn't want to accept the offer even if Fenris was correct. It really was for the best and probably more than he deserved. Well he would have to see what was sent before deciding. Fenris and Anders left Nate behind and headed for their room. No amount of prodding got Fenris to give up any info about the mystery package. Luckily for the impatient mage their room was close to the clinic. Fenris opened the door and stepped aside. Anders entered the room and saw a basket on the bed covered with a cloth. Fenris shut the door as Anders approached the bed.

Removing the cloth had shocked Anders because staring up at him were Lady Snowpaws and Ser Whiskers. Anders plopped down onto the bed and swept both cats up into a hug. "How... I thought... I don't..." He had resigned himself to never seeing them again. When they had to run there was no time to grab the cats. And he wouldn't have been able to drag them across Rivain if there had been. Anders laid on his back and both cats snuggled up on his chest. The purring started shortly after. Fenris sat on the bed next to the trio. "We will stay then?" Fenris asked even though he knew the answer. "Nate would give them away if I left. Who knows what would happen to them. They would probably be separated. Sorry Fenris but we can't risk that. We have to stay."

Fenris just shook his head. "Very well. I will let Nate know."


	30. Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU future (past lives) crack

Anders awoke with a start and glanced around the room. Still the same room he fell asleep in and Fenris was still by his side. No longer asleep now of course. Fenris has always been a light sleeper. "More of those dreams?" Fenris pulled Anders close and laid his head on Anders chest. "Ya, its so weird. They still feel so real." Anders took a shaky breath. This last dream had been hard. He was still reeling from the anger he had felt in his dream. Luckily it hadn't been toward Fenris this time. It had been difficult not to snap at Fenris when the dreams had first started. Logically Anders knew he hadn't been angry at his lover but he had felt the hurt of those dream arguments just the same. Fenris waited for Anders to tell him what had happened. "We had decided to go back to the keep. And I had a fight with the person in charge. I think Nate was his name. I don't know who that is but I had a feeling dream Anders had been friends with him for a long time. Anyway, I was mad at not being allowed to leave, felt like I was being locked up again. But then you said I had a package which turned out to be our cats. And I decided that staying at the keep wouldn't be so bad." Fenris chuckled. "Your dream self seems to loves cats as much as you do." Anders couldn't help but chuckle himself. "There is something else my dream self and I have in common," Fenris raised an eyebrow in question. "We both love you... him... respectively... very much." Fenris squeezed Anders a little in response and settled back down to sleep. The feeling was mutual and he was sure dream Fenris felt the same.


End file.
